Porcelain Rubbish by Lei Xue, 2007

(Source: alecshao)

10111 Notes

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cmao

(Source: allwaysallison)

13929 Notes

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meetmeinbayside

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ladyinterior:

Skinny Love vs. Bonfire

Bon Iver vs. Childish Gambino

1940 Notes

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ladyinterior

There are many many things I think about as work approaches. Work is not really one of them. But I do do a lot more thinking when I should be doing work, than when I have not a care in the world, so I think having work to do really does exercise my mind afterall. Maybe it’s me subconsciously distracting myself with the endless clutter that is my mind. But then I am consciously writing about it here which is an intentional distraction. Well, regardless, I can’t help but be terrified of the world but also left in a wondrous stupor by it. Things constantly take me by surprise and I always think if only everything could ever feel this good and real. But there is a spectrum of feelings really. Most of them occur right in the middle where nothing too excellent or too awful is happening. You’re going through the motions and going with the flow of things. There aren’t many drops or waves, you kind’ve just are. Then something magical can happen like an orange sunrise or a really green grass or a rabbit or a new waterfall, and all you can think of is wow these things are beautiful and wonderful why can’t I always submerge myself in the craziness that is the world! We all live for these rare, but mind turning moments. The problem is the addiction to them. These moments would mean nothing if it were not for the other end of the spectrum. So we chase this endless happiness until we find ourselves sad and craving of something more something more. This is how we land in the center of the spectrum and sometimes on the other end completely. We’re looking for someone to tell us what we need. So we try and relieve that same feeling of awe and inspired grace and we chase it down only to find ourselves falling behind. I have a sour sour addiction to the wonders of the world, and I often leave my cares behind. This leaves me scrambling to feed my addiction while nothing will ever feel as good.

I have little motivation for work. I have little motive to bullshit an essay on the French Algerian War and tell someone exactly what they want to hear. The fruits of effort are few and far between so I chase the more easily acquired rewards like a smile on a friend’s face or a monumental kiss under the stars. This is stupid because those that see the darker end of the spectrum often experience the brighter one much differently and with much more enjoyment. So sometimes I get in an artificial state of depression just thinking about all of the things I’m not doing with myself which is pathetic because there are people at the end of the spectrum who really belong there and really experience the deep pains that are sadness and madness and hopelessness. In essence, I need to work harder. I need to study harder. I need to do more and stop overstimulating myself!

As a generation we are so overstimulated. We can experience anything with a simple motion. If I want to hear a rhythm that is stuck in my head I can just click over to my itunes. If i want to place myself smack in the middle of my Junior Year with my first boyfriend, in the city walking around feeling the world for the first time, I can just scroll my pictures on my Facebook. If I want to travel to the Grand Canyon or San Diego or see what an Aardvark looks like all I have to do is google images. If i want to taste the flavors of Japan and Thailand I can just walk down the block to the nearby restaurants. I will never fully know the nostalgia that is hearing a song after 60 years and feeling like I just danced with a boy for the first time at my prom. I look at my grandparents humming along to an old song I played out of my computer and I see them looking at each other with surprise and sensation and experiencing their lives together all over again. What will I know of that when I can just flip on an old song I would sing in the car. We cannot possibly experience the same emotions previous generations have.

To me, the most important things right now are rolling around my big King sized bed with this boy with the Lion King playing and swimming in a hidden waterfall half naked with him. Dancing around my room with my roommate like a nut in crazy outfits and singing crazy songs. Going to the dining hall in said outfits and making complete fools of ourselves. Singing loudly as I strum like a novice on my 3/4 guitar. Spinning in circles when it’s a beautiful day and running down grassy hills and walking under hidden bridges. But I will always be this crazy, carefree, light hearted person. I don’t think I’ll ever have the drive to sit and read for hours about something I could care less about, even if it’ll benefit me 20 years from now. Some people can do this and believe me I’m really impressed! But I guess I feel bad for them because they will never know crazy like I know crazy. They will never understand completely unadulterated sober childish wild free silly happy passionate fun. I fancy myself good at that.

I think Kaila rubbed off on my this year in a multitude of ways. One being that I am much less anal about germs but also much more organized. I keep my things in order and keep them from getting too cluttered, but at the same time, i am now able to drink water from a bottle I opened yesterday. Two, I am much more calloused. In many ways. But I can’t give total credit to Kaila for that one. I also dated a bunch of hum dingers and this recent one has surely hardened my skin a bit. Hey is that a keloid! Three, my motive to do work has actually probably lowered!! (is that even possible??)